Guilt, the curse of misplaced responsibility…

The eve of my departure for 2 weeks at Ashia Cheetah Sanctuary and I was equal parts excited and nervous. Apprehensive, but confident, which was rather strange as confidence is something I have not felt since losing my job.

Typically, murphy came knocking and my daughter was feeling ill, which meant a long night of interrupted sleep.

It’s already quite the challenge leaving your family when they are healthy, it’s even more so when one is not well.

Choo-choo…the guilt train has arrived and no, you don’t need a ticket, you’re a passenger on this ride whether you like it or not, Lara.

Guilt is defined as feeling responsible or regretful for a perceived offence, real or imaginary.

So what exactly is the perceived offence in this situation? Rationally there is no offence. We were all on board and the necessary arrangements had been made. So why on earth did I still feel like the world’s worst wife and mother?

I’ve been working on this emotion for many years, for each step forward, I feel I take 2 steps back. I can’t blame it on anyone or anything, it’s just a result of many years of repeated behaviour because no one knew any better.

During a session with my coach, she asked me what does it take for you to feel guilty, my answer – not a hell of a lot. Admittedly, I have made some progress in that I now know I can express an opinion that differs from the next person without feeling as though I have offended them – delivery is key and I have been told I am rather diplomatic so I’ll take that as a win.

Becoming a mom introduced a different type of guilt, Mom guilt.

You feel guilty for needing/taking a time out.

You feel guilty for having to go to work and leaving your child with a caretaker.

You feel guilty for giving up nursing and choosing to formula feed.

You feel guilty for losing your cool.

You feel guilty for feeding your child non nutritious meals occasionally because you’re too tired to make something nutritious.

You feel guilty because you rely on the electronic baby sitter.

You feel guilty because you aren’t “stepford wifing” it enough and throwing these pinterest worthy birthday parties.

You feel guilty because you haven’t made time for or seen your friends.

You feel guilty because you feel as though you are dropping the ball on the wife front.

You feel guilty because you miss the freedom you had before having children…Yes, I said it.

I love my daughter and I most certainly do not take the privilege and honour of being her mom for granted, if anything, her existence has contributed to me wanting to be a better version of myself. It’s made me want to break the cycle of years of repeated behaviour because I don’t want her to have guilt as a “default setting”.

While some guilt is completely necessary, it should not be the standard response when you feel you have offended someone without any concrete proof thereof.

So, while I don’t have a magic wand that I can wave the guilt away or a step by step guide to dealing with guilt, I have learnt to acknowledge the emotion and not sit with it for too long. It’s a conscious effort to change the narrative and base the feeling of guilt on something concrete and not a perceived or assumed offence, especially when it comes to Mom guilt and setting boundaries.

You need a time out, take it, you’ll be better for it.

You are allowed to mourn the freedom you’ve lost as you’ve moved through the various stages in your life.

You should absolutely set and enforce boundaries, much like taking a time out, you will thank yourself for doing this.

The long and short of it, be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best that you can. Speak to yourself using the same words and tone you would use when speaking to a friend going through a similar situation.

I don’t know about you, but I am my own worst enemy. Surely, if I am my own worst enemy, then equally, I am my biggest ally.

Perhaps the key to addressing the curse of misplaced responsibility is to start nurturing the very neglected relationship with my inner ally??

Until next time,

Lara

"The human capacity for guilt is such that people can always find ways to blame themselves - Stephen Hawking"